Guaranteed Completely Safe!

HALLOWEEN SAFETY TIPS

for

DANGER-FREE  

Trick-or-Treating!

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• If someone not immediately recognizable approaches you, walk (don't run) to your house and call the police. 

• Do not wear a mask. It may obstruct your vision, and you could be mistaken for a robber or criminal of some type.

• Never go out after dark.

• Keep your distance from stray dogs, wild beasts or escaped zoo animals.

• Don't approach the property of persons not known to you personally for at least ten years.

• Avoid unusual costumes that could identify you as a trick-or-treater to lurking pedophiles.

• Carry pepper spray, chemical mace, or a handheld tasers. Don't carry guns or knives without the recommendation of an adult known personally to you for a minimum of ten years.

• Never accept candy or foodstuffs of any kind.

• Don't go out if you are under 18 years of age.

• Stay in your own home or yard.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!  ENJOY IT SAFELY!

 These tips come from those safety-minded brothers Mark and Max Cheney.

After writing a draft of this post, I found the following video at the great blog Magic Carpet Burn. I'm going to share it too!

Candy Corny

Boo!

Watercolor art by Linda Miller.

Here's all the old, silly, just-for-kids Halloween jokes you could want in one blog post. Tell 'em to trick-or-treaters and you'll SLAY them!

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What is Dracula's favorite place for climbing?
Mt. Kill-a-man-jaro.

What is Freddy Krueger's favorite food?
Cold cuts.

What sounds do two vampires make when they kiss?
Ouch!

What do you call a zombie that presses your doorbell?
A dead ringer!

How does a werewolf sign his letters?
Beast vicious!

How do you get to the monster's house?
Walk down the street, then turn fright at the dead end.

Baby Monster: Momma, can I eat my potatoes with my fingers?
Momma Monster: No, eat them separately!

How can you make a witch scratch?
Take away the 'w'!

What do mad doctors eat after dinner?
Experi-mints!

How do mummies disguise themselves?
They wear masking tape.

What did the ghost buy for his haunted house?
Home-moaner's insurance!

Monster #1: Am I late for dinner?
Monster #2: Yes, everyone's eaten.

Why did the giant monster bring a root beer to Pittsburgh?
To have something to wash it down with!

Where do werewolves go shopping?
The maul.

(From 991/2 Spooky Jokes, Riddles & Nonsense, written by Holly Kowitt. Scholastic, Inc.)

Found on the monster's bookshelf:

Dare You to Touch It, by Harry I. Ball

My Life As A Private Eye, by Sy Klopps

What Happened To The Cannibal's Friend? by I. A. Timm

* * * * * *

Pierre: Do monsters eat popcorn with their fingers?

Max: No, they eat the fingers separately.

Karswell: How do you keep a monster from biting his nails?

Trixie: Give him screws.

Kitty: What is the difference between a drunken severed head and a candy bar?

Zombos: People like candy bars!

Rozum: What kind of monster has the best hearing ?

Erick: The eeriest one!

Rattolle (a monster kid ): Mommy, can I leave the table?

Absinthe (a monster mom): Yes, I'll save it for you for later.

Zombos: Why don't skeletons play church music?

Lancifer: Because they don't have any organs!

Zombie Elvis: What's a mummy's favorite music?

Zombie Joplin: Ragtime.

Joke sources for this blog: The Silly Little Book of Monster Jokes, and the site Monster Jokes. Last three photos sent to me by Craig Wichman. Thanks, Craig!

Vintage Halloween photos and graphics

Hello, Halloween-loving kids-at-heart! It's nostalgia time!

From a past eBay auction comes this image of a page from a 1963 issue of Jack and Jill magazine for children. Apparently the original page is much lighter in color, but the flash from the camera has made the image brighter in the middle and darker elsewhere, making the art even spookier.


Below are photos I took of black-and-white images I found in an old cookbook that I found at a thrift store. They didn't have the best contrast and were kinda blah looking. So I tweaked 'em and played with the color:


This post is making me hungry! Hmm, I could eat some Old Crow, or maybe Wild Turkey...

Here are some vintage spooky graphics for kids I found online. Posted in backwards-descending chronological order.

















Here's proof that Shirley Temple was once a Satan-worshipping sorceress:

Last, here's an unintentionally funny scan from the October 1963 issue of the now-defunct craft magazine Pack-O-Fun:

Here's a Halloween party as envisioned by the Pack-O-Fun editors. Let's see-- a gypsy girl is ignoring the attention of a Klansman, the Headless Horseman has had his head handed to him by Peter Pan and Hopalong Cassidy's sidekick, while a Native American wanna-be prepares to whiz on the floor. (Can't handle his firewater!) At bottom (no pun intended) a cruel bony dom and a devilish dominatrix force two male slaves to eat like animals.

Halloween Cheesecake

Saw this card at a store--I forget which one--and had to have it. A really cheesy cheesecake photo on the front of a Halloween card? Oh yeah, that's for me.

It's a Hallmark card, so is likely found at any major retailer that sells cards.

If you like gore*, Hallmark has a "splatter" e-card for Halloween! It's available for sending when you subscribe to their online card service for one year, which costs $12. But you can watch and preview the card without subscribing here.





*of a vegetarian sort

Celebrate Halloween with Franken-fromage!

I've seen some pretty cheesy Frankenstein items in my time.

And there is concern by some environmentalists about the creation and sale of "Franken-foods."

But this is the cheesiest Franken-food I've ever seen!


From a past issue of Taste of Home magazine comes this picture of a Frankenstein-shaped cheeseball. Perfect for guests who come over to watch Frankenstein Meets The Space Monster.


Below, you can read the recipe for this creepy cheesy comestible by clicking on the photo to enlarge it.


At the Taste of Home website, you can also see their online Halloween articles here, and read Christy Hinrichs' recipe for making "Dracula cookies" here.

Bone appetit!

The Demonic Digital Device

When I was a kid, the magazines CREEPY and EERIE kept the spirit of Hallowe'en burning in me all year 'round. In one of them, I was introduced to the legendary device of dark magic, the hand o' glory.

The hand o' glory was a murderer's severed hand used as a candle, and was alleged to be used by thieves and killers, as it had the power to keep asleep any one inside a home that the user trespassed into. In the magazine story I read as a yoot, a criminal using a hand o' glory intends to steal from a family who have moved into a desolate mansion. But he finds to his surprise that they aren't kept asleep, because they do not live-- they're all vampires, and the criminal becomes their victim!


Never forgot that story.


My Halloween bride Jane the Voodoo Queen owns a 1961 book titled A Treasury Of Witchcraft. In its entry for "Hand of Glory" is this bit of verse:

Wherever that terrible light shall burn,
Vainly the sleeper may toss and turn;
His leaden eyes shall he ne'er unclose
So long as that magical taper glows;
Life and treasure shall he command
Who knoweth the charm of the glorious Hand!

--Ingolsby Legends (Thomas Ingolsby, 1788-1845)


So you can imagine my happiness in seeing see hands o' glory at my local Walgreen's drug store! Of COURSE I bought them!

When burning, these candles drip blood-red wax. What a cool touch.


Here's another Walgreen's Hand O'Glory candle-- this one is even nicer, being the color of mummified flesh.

Above I shared some lines of poetry about a hand o' glory that were written by a Thomas Ingolsby. Seems that the name is variantly spelled Thomas Ingoldsby (both being pen names for a Rev. Richard H. Barham, who lived 1788--1845.) Under the Ingoldsby name I found another whole, long poem by him involving a hand o' glory, and it can be read here. I recommend it, but it's not easy to just skim and enjoy, as it isn't short and it isn't contemporary. But I like it, and especially during in the Hallowe'en season, I am perfectly happy to meet the past and all its traditions on its own terms.


Burglars using a hand o' glory were said to recite a poem when igniting it:

"Let those who rest more deeply sleep;
Let those awake their vigils keep.
O, Hand o' Glory shed thy light,
Direct us to our spoils tonight.
Flash out thy light, O skeleton hand,
And guide the feet of our trusty band."

Hate poetry? Want prose? Well, three short English folk narratives about the use of a hand o' glory can be read here, followed by two more gruesome German narratives of similar objects known as Thieves' Lights.


If you read all the links I've set up for you, you might acquire a taste for more morbid-looking hands of glory. Where can I find them, you ask. If you wish to buy this one,

(and of course you do, as it's a gorgeous piece of craftsmanship), then go to this page of the Miskatonic River Art Studio website, and you'll see it among the other hand-made items offered, or here to find ordering info.


What? You say you're saving all your dough for trick-or-treat candy? Just want to windowshop and see some interesting hands o' glory? Go look up Scotsman Gordon Rutter; the one below is in his collection:


And this one---
is on display at the Whitby Museum in Whitby, England.


Read more about the hellish "hand-le" (hand candle, natch) here.

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This post was originally published in two parts and in slightly different form in 2007.