Ubermilf Meets the Drunken Severed Head

Have you heard of her? The blogosphere's queen of cute crankiness, Her Highness of Humorous Hopelessness, UBERMILF (sorry I can't type in one those "oom-lout" things), is one of my favorite bloggers, always exploring the border area between banality and madness in her than ever before. One of the most interesting and amusing "irritable" bloggers since James Lileks, (but more progressive than he is), she has decided to interview Yers Grue-ly.

Ubermilf (whose secret identity when not fighting crimes of stupidity is Susie McCormick Carroll) grilled me with the kinda queries readers have long been asking me. But I've always been too shy to answer them, until Ubermilf pointed her cupcakes at me and I was putty in her inquiring hands. (Yes, inquiring hands--she speaks sign language, you know.)

So I decided to interview her right back! Below is what I put to her! (No, I mean questions, perv!)

Please read her queries and my highly important nonsense responses HERE. Now, let's meet Ubermilf!
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What puts the "uber" in "Ubermilf"?

Short answer: It's sure as hell not a Brazilian bikini wax.

Long answer: I began blogging just as the whole "milf" thing came along and I was totally mystified by it. Was it some riff on the whole Madonna/whore thing? I found both the attention-whore, largely self-proclaimed "milfs" and their emotionally-stunted admirers to be off-putting, to say the least. So the "Ubermilf" moniker was me rolling my eyes, saying to the world, "Yeah, right. That's me."

Do you get to wear a cape or utility belt?

Only when I'm in super-heroine persona, the Tongue-Lasher. I also had a whip. She had a blog, too, but I think that died off in 2005.

What famous man would you consider the "uberdilf"? (After your hubby, of course.)

I don't think famous people in general make very good parents. Most famous people got that way by single-mindedly chasing a goal, and that goal was not family life. But if I had to choose, it would be someone who fiercely protects his family's privacy, like Matt Damon.

Who did your striking blog banner? I like it very much.

It was a birthday present from my husband from Blog Togs. There's a link to it on my sidebar.

Ever hear from your former oppressors in corporate America?

No, not even a little.

If I bought you a drink, what would I buy?

Where are we? An Irish bar? Guinness. Italian? Probably a limoncello. I also like the classic pink lady made with gin and cream and grenadine, like from the Topper movies. Also, something called the Barbarella made with white sambuca and cointreau. Or a gin and tonic.

What is the strangest item you own?

This is difficult. What springs to mind is an item that looks like a classic fire alarm pull from elementary school -- you know the red rectangle with the white writing that says "in case of emergency, pull down?" But when you pull it it starts yodeling. It's in my kitchen.

Do you ever eat snow?

I have. How recently are you talking?

You have three blogs. What would happen to you if you had to stop all of them?

I would go back to my spiral notebook.

Have you found a herd of licorice cows in the blogosphere? Or just sheep?

Both. And some wolves, too.

Are you a passive, assertive or aggressive person? Do you ever resort to use of the Black Arts? If so, what do you charge to cast a hex or two?

In high school, a teacher described me as "gently assertive." It's true! I'm not passive, although I will attempt to compromise. And I rarely attack first. Does that mean I'm not aggressive? Please describe "black arts." I do not conjure up spirits to do my dirty work; I do not like sharing credit. However, I have been known to facilitate the downfall of a deserving villain.

What size cupcakes do you wear? Do they chafe?

My cupcakes are the perfect size and they are pillowy soft.

Do you like regular cake? What kind would you have others eat, and why?

I do like regular cake. Cupcakes are good for children because no one can claim anyone else got a bigger piece and they can be distributed without a knife. But any kind of cake is wonderful. I tend to like fudge cake with vanilla frosting or yellow cake with fudge frosting -- but I do not look askance at other combinations.

Oscar Mayer or Oscar de la Renta? Coco Chanel or Coco Puffs?

Oscar Mayer and Coco Chanel.

Name a favorite movie and/or kitchen appliance.

The Blues Brothers for capturing a Chicago I knew and loved growing up.

Kitchen appliance... I like my stand mixer. I like my food processor, too, but he can be difficult to put together/take apart. It has to be done JUST SO or he won't work.

What blog inspired you, or is one that you would compare yours to?

The first blog I ever read (dating back to the ancient days of yore -- 2001) was my friend B.A.'s (link here) but that doesn't necessarily compare to mine. Another blogger who encouraged me (but who has since disappeared) was Dash Bradley of Dash Bradley is Dancing Madly.

What's something about you that would come as a complete surprise to your readers?

I'm not at all combative in person. Some might even call me sweet. Or perchance bubbly.

What question didn't I ask that you wanted asked, and what's the answer?

What's the best song ever written, and the answer is "The Fanny Shake Polka."

Thank you, Ubermilf--and good luck.