No one kicks the cranium.

Have you seen this severed head practical joke on YouTube? Like some episode of the old Candid Camera, only creepy!

Amazing that no one kicks her head in frustration--thank goodness they didn't! Or even nudges her head with their foot to see if she's real or some some sophisticated electronic prop!

My Louisville Hat

I was in Louisville last month during the big equine race, and naturally I had to wear this, a hat I made:


A Kentucky Derby!

Having tiny horses racing around your hat is no big deal, but cleaning the brim afterward is a pain!

Heads I win!

Part of the fun of my birthday was seeing the nice wishes posted at the Universal Monster Army and at the Classic Horror Film Board. There were so many that it warmed the very cockles of my heart. In fact, they were so warmed that I got heartburn of the cockles!

But I digress.

I want to post here a piece of art done by friend and artist Roger Koch, and a joke shared by my cousin-in-law, Chris Herzog. First, a very nice sketch of the title creep from the film The Thing That Couldn't Die:

Of course, I loved seeing this picture of my late great uncle Hedly. Poor guy. He found it difficult to get work in Hollywood, but TTTCD gave him a starring role.

Now, the joke--it's a classic:

An expectant father waited nervously for word of his child's arrival. After an long wait, the doctor entered the waiting room.

"I'm afraid I have some bad news for you. Your child is alive. But he was born with only a head. No limbs, no lower extremities of any kind. Just a head."

The father, of course, was devastated. Yet he and his wife loved their child and vowed to bring him up as normally as possible.

Flash forward to the child's 12th birthday: The father gets a call from a European specialist, who says that a new technology had been developed that would actually enable his son to grow a new, healthy body from his own cells! Although new, the technique had been thoroughly tested and would definitely work. Further, the elite medical team behind it had agreed to do the work for free! Elated, the father rushed to tell his family.

"Son! Son!" he called, as soon as he was through the door, "I have a wonderful surprise for you!"

From the next room where his birthday party was taking place, his son replied,

"IT BETTER NOT BE ANOTHER DAMN HAT!"

Stale jokes

For St. Patrick's Day and the Lenten Season, I present two old chestnuts:

Who's Irish, and stays outside your house?
Paddy O'Furniture.

*********************************

After her wedding, a naive girl from the country crawled into bed for the first time beside her new husband, a very religious young man. She snuggled up to him and reached over to caress him. He brushed her hand away, rolled over and began to fall asleep.

“So why aren’t we going to make love on our wedding night?”, she asked finally.

“Because it’s Lent,” came the reply.

That made the new bride cry. Between sobs, she yelled, "TO WHO, AND FOR HOW LONG?”

Octomom joke

This joke is going around the internet--

DENNY'S is offering a breakfast special in honor the "octomom," Nadya Suleman. It's eight eggs, no sausage, and the guy in the next booth has to pay for it.

The joke amused me, but the above image amused me even more! So Lovecraftian! So humorously strange! Laughingly surreal!

I saved the image after I saw it on someone else's blog (or website), but now can't remember where I stole it from, to give credit to its creator. (If it's yours, I'm sorry! Write to me!)

31 Days of Halloween: JOKES OF HORROR!

Pierre: Do monsters eat popcorn with their fingers?
Max: Nope, they eat the fingers separately.

Karswell: How do you keep a monster from biting his nails?
Trixie: Replace the nails with screws.

Kitty: What is the difference between a drunken severed head and a candy bar?
Zombos: People like candy bars!

Rozum: What kind of monster has the best hearing ?
Erick:The eeriest !

Rattolle (a monster kid ): Mommy, can I leave the table?
Absinthe (a monster mom): Yes, I'll save it for you for later.

Zombos: Why don't skeletons play church music?
Lancifer: Because they don't have any organs!

Zombie Elvis: What's a mummy's favorite music?
Zombie Joplin: Ragtime.




Joke sources for this blog: The Silly Little Book of Monster Jokes, and the site Monster Jokes.

31 Days of Halloween: Joke of the Day

How can you tell if a monster has a glass eye?

It comes out in conversation.

(I've got a glass eye....Fortunately, my uncle has no idea who took it!)

31 Days of Halloween: Joke of the Day

How do you know when there's a monster under your bed?

Your nose touches the ceiling.

31 Days of Halloween: Joke of the Day

How do you know if there's a monster in your bed?

By the 'M' on his pajamas.

Faux-tography!

My last post had some well-done Photoshopped photos of people menaced by dangerous animals. But I forgot to include the mother of all such manipulated pics: the dramatic picture of a Great White Shark leaping to attack a soldier dangling on the ladder of an Air Force helicopter. This phony photo was circulated widely by e-mail in 2001. In case you haven't seen it before, this is the infamous image:

Looks like something out of a Jaws sequel! It was described in e-mails as a picture National Geographic had chosen as their "Photo of the Year."

To read more about the origins of this fun Photoshopped fraud, click here to read National Geographic's account of how the pic was created. To see the two photos it was created from, click here to see the web page on this picture posted at Snopes.com.

"Journey to another dimension..."

Here's a phunny photo cartoon that a friend, Nathan Poling, sent to me:


"You've just crossed into...THE TOILET ZONE!"

Some readers have rewarded me...

...I think!

In honor of this blog's anniversary, various friends sent me poetry and droll anecdotes. (Okay, one friend sent two limericks he made up, and another friend sent a "blog anniversary joke" about a pirate, evidently because I remind her of the infamous outlaws of the high seas.) I am gratified by this immense outpouring of affection-- serves as a fine excuse for me to drink early!

Here's the limericks from friend Packy Paul:

What the Severed Head says - worth repeating.
Twelve months to the day - happy reading!
But the drunkenness part
Gave a dubious start
To his speech at the last A.A. meeting!

**********

One day ol' Max made a mistake
Fell asleep in a pan meant to bake
Later on they pretended
All along t'was intended
Max should EAT his way out of the cake!

(Paul-- wanting to see ME pop out of a cake-- instead of a stripper-- is a serious sign of mental maladjustment. Please get help soon.)

Now, as the big finish to this post, I present friend Linda's blog anniversary joke:

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to the front of his trousers. The bartender says to the pirate, "Hey, you have a steering wheel on the front of your trousers!" And the pirate says, "Arrr! It's drivin' me nuts!"

"If I only had a brain..."

Dor-- I almost typed "dorking"!-- drinking buddy and pal-for-life Richard Olson created the above image on a whim. Iloz Zoc of Zombos' Closet of Horror supplied a publicity blurb: "SEE the horror as a couple of MONSTERS want to get ahead, and stumble across MAX instead!"

MTDSH and Boris Karloff cut a rug!

My good friend Bobby Beeman sent a secretly-shot video of me dancing the Charleston with the revived body of the late King of Horror Movies, Boris Karloff. Even though the body that the dance hall gave me to use was wearing flapper drag (it was the cat's pajama's!), I'm sharing it with you! I have no shame.

I had a grand time kickin' loose with one of my cinematic heroes. Gave me a big head!

See me and BK in action in my own version of "Dancing With The Stars":

Max and Boris

Good Christmas joke

Three men die on Christmas and are met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. He tells them, "In honor of this holy day, in order to get into heaven, you must each bring in an item associated with Christmas."

The three men look at St. Peter, stunned. The first man fumbles through his pockets and pulls out a lighter. He flicks it and the flame appears. He tells a dubious-looking St. Peter, "It represents a candle, and candles represent the light of the star of Bethlehem".

Saint Peter considers this. "You may pass through the pearly gates," he finally says.

The second man reaches into his pocket, pulls out a set of keys and jingles them, then says, "They sound like little bells, and I always think of Christmas whenever I hear bells jingle." He begins to ramble about church bells and "Jingle Bells" when Saint Peter says, "Okay, okay, you may pass through the pearly gates."

The third man, Jack, starts searching desperately through his pockets. Finally he pulls out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looks at the man with a cocked eyebrow and demands, "And just HOW are THOSE associated with Christmas?"

The man replies, "These are Carol's!"

Martin Scorese's Hitchcock homage

Watch this:

http://www.scorsesefilmfreixenet.com/video_eng.htm

Hallowe'en means ghoulish gags

So here's thirteen of them:

What is Dracula's favorite place for climbing?
Mt. Kill-a-man-jaro.

Freddy Krueger's moved to 4,840 square yards of land in Boston. It's called The Mass-acre.

What is Freddy Krueger's favorite food?
Cold cuts.

What sounds do two vampires make when they kiss?
Ouch!

What do you call a zombie that presses your doorbell?
A dead ringer!

How does a werewolf sign his letters?
Best vicious!

How do you get to the monster's house?
Walk down the street, then turn fright at the dead end.

Baby Monster: Momma, can I eat my potatoes with my fingers?
Momma Monster: No, eat them separately!

How can you make a witch scratch?
Take away the 'w'!

What do mad doctors eat after dinner?
Experi-mints!

How do mummies disguise themselves?
They wear masking tape.

What did the ghost buy for his haunted house?
Home-moaner's insurance!

How do you keep a monster from biting his nails?
Give him screws.

Halloween Countdown Day 3

Recommending three more blogs that will perk up your All Hallow's Eve season. The first is a top music blog that I've always liked. It that has joined the blogosphere's celebration of Hallowe'en; it's called Music You (Possibly) Won't Hear Anyplace Else, and it features some of the rarest and oldest spooky music to be found anywhere this Samhain season.

Next is Musty TV, and this blogger has also joined the Hallowe'en countdown blog-a-thon. Each day its proprietor who will posting his comments about a "good horror, sci-fi, or thrill film (or Halloween special!)" that airs on TV in October.

Speaking of TV, I noticed that Neato Ghoulville has a video player at the bottom of the blog called "Ghoul TV". It has 42 different Hallowe'en video selections. You could spend too much time enthralled there, but man, what fun!

Last is a blog that brings back memories of the monster makeup mania of my youth: Max And Courtney Make Monsters. Here's a bit of their blog's introduction: "In 1965, under the Famous Monsters of Filmland imprimatur, movie make-up guy Dick Smith published a little booklet called Do-It-Yourself Monster Make-Up, which he later republished, in book form. In it, he explained, step-by-step, how to create movie monsters and special effects of increasing sophistication, but all geared toward the crafty young boy or girl who might later go on to make Super-8 movies starring these homemade monsters.

"It is our plan to go through this book and create every single monster and make-up effect that Smith describes, although perhaps not in the order he indicates. We shall document this, and then we shall make our own little movies. We are Max Sparber, a playwright, arts critic, and sometimes actor, and Courtney Mault, an aspiring horror makeup artists with at least one film credit -- the independently shot Risen, in which Max appeared as a chinless zombie.

"Note: We encourage you to buy Dick Smith's book if you plan to attempt these experiments yourself. We will only be describing how we do it in themost general of terms -- for the more complex details of applying makeup, Smith's book is chock-full of excellent advice."

Their recreations of the makeups are fun to see. They also post a link to the Amazon listing to Dick Smith's makeup book, which is a classic all Hallowe'en lovers oughtta have on a shelf.

Notice that ol' severed drunken me has added a Hallowe'en-themed poll to the blog. Please vote! Or send in suggestions for poll questions for this month!

Also added is a list of movies the Voodoo Queen and I our watching this month, and my rating of each flick. Speaking of my dear bride, she stored these two Hallowe'en photos in our computer last year; I found 'em and share them herewith.


To end this post, here are some monster jokes:

Found on the monster's bookshelf:

Dare You To Touch It, by Harry I. Ball

My Life As A Private Eye, by Sy Klopps

What Happened To The Cannibal's Friend?, by I. A. Timm

Hallowe'en is for kids of all ages...

...so if you think this blog is already almost too juvenile in its focus, you might want to check back in early November.

Among other things, I'll be posting Hallowe'en jokes and riddles from old kid's books. (Gotta check to see if they've run on the Johnrozum.blogspot.com site first, though; seems we had the same idea!) Here's a sample:

Monster #1: Am I late for dinner?
Monster #2: Yes, everyone's eaten.

Why did the giant monster bring a root beer to Pittsburgh?
To have something to wash it down with!

Where do werewolves go shopping?
The maul.

(From 991/2 Spooky Jokes, Riddles & Nonsense, written by Holly Kowitt. Scholastic, Inc.)

To finish this post, I now bring you photos of cat humiliation, starring my own furry-faced dependents (to pay them back in advance for the next time one of them coughs up on my pillow-- mwah ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!):

A Severed Head Prank

Don't know what European show this video comes from, but the "severed head cooking in a pot" prank reminds me of the old CANDID CAMERA show-- if Stephen King had been the *head* writer. (For those of you old enough to remember C.C. -- wouldn't it have been great to have seen it hosted by Boris Karloff and Vincent Price?)

Enjoy this video find-- but be warned that it is LOUD.