The horror of LOSING

Above: REAL Pittsburgh zombies attack after the 2009 Super Bowl win.

Well, there is "no joy in Mudville," if by Mudville you mean Pittsburgh, the town that's home to the newly-defeated Steelers football team and also to the Drunken Severed Head. (Yes, I know I'm using a line from a poem about baseball, but so what? Sue me.) Hey, the name of the Steelers might as well BE "mud" right now, in this joyless town. (And another besides: I moved here after many years of living in St. Louis--a baseball town if ever there was one-- and some things just stick to you after a while.)

Pittsburgh is a drinkin' town right now...hard, grim drinkin'. (Not "drinking" with a g--the g is used only with happy occasions.)

Two Pittsburgh guys who love horror and weirdness as much as I do are Ed "Drink 'til Yer Dead" Quillin and Rich "I'm Getting Blotto" Dalzotto. Ed is a talented caricature artist who creates zombie portraits of his customers, and Rich is an organizer of the Horror Realm convention and classic and cult horror film screenings. Both are sad that the tradition of setting ablaze one's furniture during a Super Bowl celebration in now not only illegal, but it's moot with the Steeler's loss. (It's so beloved a pastime that even our firefighters here take part in couch conflagration.)

Here's their post-Bowl Facebook conversation to click on and read. I post it here (with permission) as THE conversation that all brain-dead, walkin' dead, hard-drinkin' men in this town are having right now:





I think some zombie "little people" lesbian friends of mine may just rip Rich up and make their own Pitts-burger, but who knows? All my zombie lesbian friends have a high tolerance level for nonsense and trash talk. But on the other hand, they do like Rich food...

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Related link: Burnin' Down the Couch

Four Loko explained

The name is a variation of "For loco"--because that is who it's for--loco people!

At least it was.

The high-alcohol malt beverage with lotsa caffeine was getting bad press as being unhealthy. (That's one of the biggest sins nowadays.) But Phusion Projects, the manufacturer, has announced it's getting rid of the caffeine in Four Loko, just ahead of the FDA getting ready to curtail commerce in boozy beverages with a buzz.

Seems ineffectual--can't people can just substitute shots of espresso as a chaser with their malt liquor? But it IS crazy to mix stimulants with a depressant, and make people feel they're less blitzed than they really are. Bad for the safety of drivers and bystanders. Also causes more cars crashing into bars! People get hurt! Drinks get spilled! (Shudder.)

Fruity malt liquor with java's jolt--seems a crazy mad potion to me. Positively Jekyllian!

Four Loko was a wacky idea. I think it was a mix of this--
plus this:
and this:
Or maybe it was a combo of these three ingredients:
Bleah!

Whether you're sober or sloshed, straight or stoned, please go the Wacky Packages Online Reference Guide, the site where all the above images came from. It's loaded with info about (and photos of) Wacky Packs, the stickers from the late Sixties into the late Seventies that satirized so many consumer goods! (Happily, the stickers were revived for this decade, and new Wacky Packs are available for people not around the first time they appeared.)

"A dyslexic walks into a bra..."

...is an old joke.

But there is a bar-related bra every red-blooded straight man and lesbian woman, dyslexic or not, might want to walk smack into:

Looking rather like a human hookah, this model is showing off the new bra called "the Wine Rack" that holds a whole bottle of wine and inflates a gal's upper figure up to two cup sizes!

Isn't technology amazing? Although it seems to lack the double frontal nozzles for sharing the wine with a friend, it is still a big step forward in party apparel progress!

Click here to read more about it, and here to order one!

The first TDSH Sham Poo Award

So I was thinking recently about awards, and I thought about the fact that there are inept film abortions that have a certain je ne sais quoi that makes people want to watch them more than once despite the fact that are probably far better films that are more rewarding.

Films like Melody Ranch, an old Gene Autry musical Western with brassy vaudevillian Jimmy Durante and flashy hoofer Ann Miller as Gene's sidekicks. (OMG!) Or certain Bert Gordon or Jess Franco films. Or Waterworld. I thought to myself, "They aren't really cinematic pieces of shit...there's something worthwhile and enduring about them. Hmmm. They're...fake shit. No, they're sham poo. And suddenly I realized sham poo films are ones that ought to come with the instructions, "Watch. Wince. Repeat."

(rimshot)

With that in mind, I thought I'd start handing out the TDSH Sham Poo Awards for such faux film feces. Being too ill to write up the one I had in mind, I asked John Cozzoli of the Zombos' Closet of Horror blog to submit his nom for the award. So take it away, John!

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If you are looking for the perfect second-half of a double bill Halloween show with Plan 9 From Outer Space, look no further. Spookies is a film to be savored for its underdone acting, overbearing dialog, and incoherent story. So rarely do horror films reach the pinnacle of hilarious WTF ineptitude this film achieves so grandly. Originally begun as Twisted Souls, that unfinished film died and gave birth to a spook show hodgepodge of '80s makeup and monster effects that collide head on with badly-edited additional footage from another unfinished film, creating a two-headed storyline that never meets eye to eye.

Everybody winds up at a deserted spooky house surrounded by a cemetery, a dead sorcerer is trying to resuscitate his reluctantly dead bride, and one by one, the blundering bunch of bickering idiots get taken out by one monstrosity after another. Interspersed between each tableau of gory doom, the sorcerer gloats, speaks in a Lugosi-styled accent that's as bad as his makeup, and summons forth more creatures of the night. And each time someone scrambles to get out of a room we cut to his evil assistant, a purple werewolf, holding the door closed so they can't open it. Yes, a purple werewolf.

You'll need a multi-region DVD player to watch this wonder of cinematic disaster; but I swear it's worth it.

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Zombos' Closet of Horror is nominated for a Rondo Hatton Classic Horror Award for "Best Blog."

Below: The poster for Spookies; art by noted genre artist Rich Corben.

Don't Drink and Sing and Drive!

You could run into Santa and ruin everyone's Christmas!

Here's a "Don't drink and drive" Christmas carol from the satirical mind of Frank Jacobs, who wrote these lyrics for MAD magazine in the 1970s...

"We Three Clods From Omaha Are"
(Sung to the tune of "We Three Kings Of Orient Are")

We three clods from Omaha are
Spending Christmas Eve in a car
Driving, drinking, glasses clinking -
Who needs a lousy bar?

Oh, oh...
Drink to Charlie, drink to Paul
Drink to friends we can't recall
Swerving, speeding,
Signs unheeding -
Drink to anything at all.

We three clods are feeling no pain
Drunk as skunks with booze on the brain
Senses losing, 'til we're cruising
Into a wrong-way lane.

Oh, oh...
Drink to Melvin, drink to Fred
Drink to those two trucks ahead
Headlights flashing
Screeching, crashing -
Drink 'til they pronounce us dead.

You're strange and Satan dresses you funny...

"Hell is other people." -- Jean Paul Sartre

If the grooming, fashion and style sense of other people are an element in Sartre's concept of the netherworld, then the blogs Sexy People, People of Wal-Mart, Awkward Family Photos and Go Fug Yourself are the web's windows into the deepest levels of Hades...

Worst Masks Ever!

The subject line might be misleading--I mean "worst" not in terms of design, but in terms of construction and practicality.

From 2006 through 2008, full-size candy masks were sold in many outlets around the country. Seems like a cool idea, but hell, you couldn't hold 'em against your face long, and once you did wear them and get them sweaty, you wouldn't want to eat them! And they're huge--take you a week to eat 'em, and by then mold spores or ants have gotten to 'em anyway. Yikes!




Just as bad as candy masks are sticker masks. Here are pics of some Jane and I found of this really bad idea for Halloween disguise:

No, they won't wrinkle, sag and look bad in ten minutes, or itch in five. Of course not. How could I think such a thing?

A precursor to those dumb paper sticker masks are starched cheesecloth masks. They've been around since at least the 1930s, and possibly earlier. My older brother and father remember wearing them, and how soggy your exhaled breath got them. Of course, by the end of trick-or-treating, you had a sort of melted look on your puss.

Here's an example in remarkable shape after many decades, proving it got little use:

Of course, during the Depression and until the Fifties, modern plastics were not available. Perhaps more durable in use were cardboard masks like these old Depression-era devils:


But the very worst mask idea is a kind you see, rarely, on adults--the permanent kind:


I suppose, if you want to become one with your "mask", to change your mundane life's role into one more like the one in your head, the one you wished been born into, it's the best mask. But talk about a mask that'll get distorted, wrinkled, and saggy! And if you find a different mask you want to become one with later, that's too bad.

These guys shoulda learned how to put on makeup.

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Thanks to Bobby Beeman for some of the candy mask pics.

Image source for demon lollipop mask: Flickr account of RhiaP

Image source for face tattoos found here.

Image sources for Lollipop Masks are here and here.

Gauze mask images found on eBay.

Silent Film Comedy Drunkeness Lives Again

Some genius has taken hilarious mini-mart security video of a drunk guy trying to buy beer and made it even funnier by making it into a silent film-style comedy. Here's the result:



See the original footage here.

A GREAT Offer!!

Do you have a blog or website? You do? Great! Consider endorsing my blog for the 2008 Rondo Award! It PAYS to do so. (But hurry -- you only have four days to endorse me!) Because, for some lucky smart bloggers, sufficiently sincere endorsements will mean PRIZES! (OR, you can send an affadavit that you voted for TDSH to qualify.) YOU could* receive valuable items such as these:

Your choice of these new homes! ("New" in the astrophysical sense)



A stereo sound system nearly as good as this one here:


An array (okay, only one) of handy kitchen appliances like this:


AND this combination tool bench and Port-a-John:


BUT WAIT! There's MORE!

You'll also get a free pet from Chernobyl, like this cuddly cutie:

Or this one, from Florida:



And for your child --a rare AMERICAN GIRL doll made for expatriates living in Transylvania:


PLUS, (and also ABSOLUTELY FREE for a good plug!) in keeping with the "green consciousness" that is so much a part of today's world, an alternative energy lighting system for your new home:


Yes, endorse THIS BLOG and all you see above can be yours! (And why not? They're only digital images! That's what you see!)

Or just vote for TDSH for BEST HORROR BLOG here and receive the best gift of all -- a clear conscience.

Voting ends March 21.





*Or not.

Creepy crawlies in the news

(Or, "How I tied several unrelated news items together." But I digress. Ahem.)

So many new items have come out recently that have something to do with creepy crawly beasties, or remind me of them, that I'm weirded out by it all!

Speaking of being reminded of "them", actor James Whitmore passed away; he starred in the sci-fi movie classic Them, about gi-normous ants (gi-ants?). One of the most versatile of American character players, he is probably known by those under 40 for his part in the film The Shawshank Redemption, and for Them by older folks. (Whitmore was once asked by a young actor just what he had done, and he replied, "Well, I saved the world from giant ants once.")

And Lux Interior, lead singer of the band The Cramps, died. His most famous song was likely Human Fly, with clever lyrics like "I've got 96 tears and 96 eyes."

Then Bill Gates made the news recently for bugging people--literally. He was speaking at a conference on the need to stop the scourge of malaria, and released a swarm of mosquitoes into the room.

"Malaria is spread by mosquitoes. I brought some. Here, I'll let them roam around. There is no reason only poor people should be infected."

Gates waited a while before telling the audience that the mosquitoes were free of malaria. Even as a philanthropist now doing good work with his money, he's still an arrogant nerd (and still releasing bugs, only not ones of the virtual kind.)

And finally, the fossilized bones of a long-extinct gigantic snake (bigger than the one seen in the movie Anaconda), was discovered. This species was so gargantuan it could have eaten people--if any had been around then. Almost too bad Gates wasn't.

And if all the above wasn't enough to weird me out, creepy, crawling Rod Blagojevich called me, wanting to be interviewed! Boy, he is desperate! ' Course, I turned him down. I won't talk to man who has ten time more hair on his head than I do.

Related old weird animal news: A RODENT AS BIG AS A BULL

GLOWING GREEN PIGS

Halloween: Pumpkin Sex Toys

Since my last post was about someone hitting my blog while looking for porn, I'll do all like-minded readers a favor and post a link to a website that shows you step-by-step how to make sex toys from pumpkins.

It'll blow your... er, mind!

Better than a Falcon, or even a Bippy

Yesterday my blog got a hit from someone in Malta looking for "severed head porno."

Hey, I NEVER let anyone videotape me! I just can't be put through the hell Paris Hilton went through!

"The Maltese Drunken Severed Head-- the stuff nightmares are made of."

My energy plan!

The energy plan of the Severed Head/Brain campaign relies on American ingenuity. Especially the ingenuity of American artists like MAD's Al Jaffe! From the book Al Jaffe's MAD Inventions come the blueprints for two devices that will supply large amounts of renewable, clean energy to the U.S.A.! See for yourself (click to enlarge):

Take all the computers and TVs used just by kids, and hook this device up to supply the energy. Then supply the kids with Frosted Flakes and Mountain Dew (or donuts and Red Bull, whatever), and--voila! A sizable fraction of our energy needs are met!

THIS device will not only generate energy, but will also lessen the obesity epidemic in this country! (And of course, monster movies and horror flicks will produce the most feet motion by frightened and excited customers, so the Brain and I propose to decrease taxes on all such films made in this country!)

The gains in weight loss by moviegoers will, in turn, will help to lower our health insurance! And fitter citizens mean an increase worker productivity! Taken all together, these social benefits will boost the economy substantially! I ask you, what other presidential campaign is so clever and visionary! And weird! ("None!" I hear you say.) SO VOTE FOR THE HEAD AND THE BRAIN! For "strange" you can believe in!

Oh, and while you're out on Election Day, go buy MAD magazine and books by Al Jaffe! And ones by Sergio Aragones, too! You'll stimulate the economy! And you'll strike a blow for freedom of the press at the same time! So go goose Lady Liberty while you're priming the pump!

(Wait--that doesn't sound right...)

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All art above belongs to the copyright holders, and is used for satirical purposes only; it will be removed at the owner's request.

Drinking with royalty!

That's right-- I tied one on with a king! Larry King, to be precise!

Yup, last week the suspender-wearin' schmoozer of CNN raised a few with yours truly...and lived to regret it!

You see, I know a staff member on King's show, and she got me onto King's set. Smuggled me into the place in an oversize Louis Vuitton bag! (I love traveling in style.) Anyway, she plopped me down in front of Meister of Meandering, because he adores novelty items and practical jokes, and she'd sized me up as a living combination of the two.

When King saw me, he gasped. Then he laughed. And laughed some more.

I told him about myself, and my campaign for President, and he laughed even harder. Then he pushed a button and his desk became a bar! We proceeded to get toasted on brewskis. Man, can he put it away! But he kept asking me where the booze I downed went to. "Hackensack," I told him, and that made him roar.

Unfortunately, he got "playful." He started to roll me around on his desk, (while making train noises), then he put little flags in my hair. After a fit of the giggles, he turned to the camera (which was on, but not "live"). Then, IT HAPPENED. He endorsed me for President. (He twice had to make a go at it since he couldn't stop giggling.)

But what King now regrets (now that he's sober) is that I got a photo of his rash remark! It was taken from the monitor, and includes an automatically-generated subtitle for the hearing-impaired. Here's the picture:
That's no misspelling above. He was so faced that he actually called me a "nogin," (rhyming with "slogan") rather than a "noggin," which is what he meant. That gave me a fit of the giggles!

Of course, King was done taping for the day, and so was off his guard, (read "plastered"), and that's how I was able to get a crew member to supply me with the picture. But when King found out later that I'd left the studio with a photo, was he mad! His lawyer, Sue Yurpantsov, sent me a nasty letter, implying all kinds of legal consequences if I talk about what happened, or show the picture. But tough. Larry King, if only for a few moments, endorsed ME for President!

It's something I'll be able to tell my grandchildren. (Or yours, weird reader, since I am unable to make more little Maxs.)
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My thanks to Richard Olson for taking me to King's studio.

And it puts me one step aHEAD in the journey to the White House!

Stuff it

As in "stuffing the ballot box" (which I hope happens on my behalf), and as in "Drunken Severed Head stuff -- it might sell!" (Which is what I thought could happen after I saw the art Richard's created!)

Following the creation of my campaign poster, and by arrangement with the artist, I have promotional materials ready so you can show your support for my campaign while at work, at home, or anywhere!

Click here: The Severed Head Shop!

Of course, by my shilling my own junk at this blog, "Stuff it!" might just be what you tell me!

Da bait!

Above: The crowd at the Party of One debate. Photo by CC_Chapman (Flickr)

Campaign news update: The following is a transcript of the one-man candidate debate that occurred earlier today with Max the Drunken Severed Head.

Despite the single candidate, their was suspense in the air, said many in the audience. The candidate was obviously tense, and beside himself.

No one had spoken about who would speak first, and this led to a rocky start to the debate.
*********************************
Max TDSH: So, who's going first with an opening statement?

Max TDSH: That'd be me.

Max TDSH: Like hell!

Max TDSH: Alright, alright. I'll flip a coin with my nose. Call it.

Max TDSH: Heads!

Max TDSH: That figures...Tails! You lose, loser!

Max TDSH: Oh, shut up.

Max TDSH: Well, I might, just to leave you speechless!

Max TDSH: Look, I just want to talk about my plan to create 200,000 new bartending jobs in this country, so if you can stop being a dope--

Max TDSH: Now, now, be civil--

Max TDSH: Yeah! Civil!

Max TDSH: I thought he was talking to you!

Max TDSH: Hunh?

Max TDSH: As in civil liberties? As in THE ACLU? You a card-carrying member?

Max TDSH: What are you insinuating?

Max TDSH: Only that "the Head"... is RED!

Max TDSH: I've always been a redhead, yes. But--

Max TDSH: Typical godless lefty. I'll bet you'd bump fists with Madeleine Murray O'Hare, if you had one!

Max TDSH: Have you been drinking?

Max TDSH: So, Madeleine your type?

Max TDSH: She's dead!

Max TDSH: So that's what you're into?

Max TDSH: You oughtta know!

Max TDSH: I'd bite your nose off, if it didn't hurt so much!

Max TDSH: Oh, go spite your face.

Max TDSH: Gentlemen, GENTLEMEN!

Max TDSH: Gentlemen? What, you gotta a mouse in your pocket?

************************************************
At this point the debate came to an unexpectedly premature end when Max TDSH, wobbly with agitation and who-know-what chemical influences, fell off the podium, which brought the crowd of onlookers to their feet, cheering.

Who'll win this match?

Both Barack Obama and John McCain declined an invitation to debate me -- the cowards!

Sen. Obama's spokesman, who insisted on anonymity, said Obama "would rather debate an old fish with lipstick on it," then added, "How many hits do you get on your blog?" Then he hung up.

McCain's spokeswoman Jen Durbinder said "Sen. McCain was a prisoner of war, and loves this country deeply, and...what was the question?" Then she hung up.

So now I must do the politically outrageo-- I mean the politically COURAGEOUS thing and debate myself!

At least in a one man debate I won't have to worry about the use of smear tactics. (I'd like to see "schmeer" tactics, however-- a toasted bagel with cream cheese would taste good right now, and as a severed head I never have to worry about calories.)

So be looking for one-man debate soon. Unless Ralph Nader, Bob Barr, or Cynthia McKinney is desperate!

You deserve the best-- but that person isn't running!

My fellow weirdos,

I am humbly announcing my candidacy for President of the United States.

Are you frustrated by the few choices we have in candidates to vote for?

Do you want someone who will go to members of Congress and get right in their faces?

Then I'm the write-in candidate for you!

The two main candidates are BOTH politicians in Washington. Let's start fresh-- as my grandfather always used to say, "Politicians and diapers need to be changed for the same reason."

If you want REAL change, then WHAT could be more different from the same-ol' same-o than electing a drunken severed head!!?

Not that I am a complete unknown. I was approached to be a candidate by the Pity Party (they tried to shame me into joining them), the Disinterested Third Party (because a third of the country is disinterested), the (Robert) Bloch Party, the Coming Out Party (never did figure out why lesbian debutantes would want me), and the Birthday Party (for nudists-- they always wear their birthday suits.) I seriously considered being the nominee for both the Cocktail Party and the Halloween Party.

But ultimately, I declined to be beholden to no one group, and not to commit to any platform other than the one my neck rests on.

I am a Party of One. And I say, "One nation, one bar tab, with liquor and just ice for all!"

My friends, I believe in socialized drinking! (The more socializing, the better-- never drink alone, I always say!) Join me, and let the good times roll!

I ask for your support. (Especially after my third drink in an evening-- I tend to tip over.)

What, you don't believe anyone could take my candidacy seriously? I don't blame you! But here's the proof that talk of a DSH campaign is getting serious attention:

The Drunken Severed Head runs for president!

So, I ask you to add to the Drunken Severed Head buzz that's beginning to sweep the country! (Nothing like having a good buzz on, friends.) Endorse me at your blog, your MySpace or Live Journal page, whatever! Use any picture of me found at this blog. I'll put you in my cabinet if you do-- right alongside Johnny Walker, Jim Beam, and Glen Livet!

If elected, I will work to eradicate the discrimination against drunken politicians! Signs like this one* belong on the scrap heap of history:


This November, when you belly up to the voting booth, name your poison. And let that name be "Max the Drunken Severed Head!"



* Picture from the Flickr account of williac.