Sunday, August 29, 2010

Tips from the Drunken Severed Head

Oh, the HORROR!


Do not buy the item below and leave it near a bathroom sink. It can be mistaken for a tube of toothpaste, with unfortunate results.

Do not eat the wafer below, which comes in an individual cellophane wrapper. It is not a shortbread cookie or freebie from the Girl Scouts. It is a dog treat sample your wife brought home* and left out.

These small, sticky, soft brains are not gummi-style candies. They are small, flavorless, plastic TOYS meant to be thrown at walls. They are definitely not meant to be chewed on and then spat out instinctively, hitting a wall.

The product below is a gyp. It contains no breakfast snack made from mutant feet.

I feel better now that I know TDSH readers are more prepared for some of life's small dangers.

* I'm, uh, speaking hypothetically here-- not that I could do anything like eat pet food. Noooo.


Fester said...

Reminds me of the time my father in law came to visit. We were out of the house when he arrived, so he let himself in and helped himself to a beer. He then found a bag of pork rinds in the cupboard. When we returned, he mentioned that the beer was good but the pork rinds were really tough.
When I finally stopped laughing, I had to explain the "pork rinds" were fried rawhide treats for our dog.

suzanne said...

Thanks, Max. You've saved me considerable pain and disappointment. :)

Mr. Macabre said...

In speaking of dog treats, my spouse came in the other day with a bag of Oreo-looking cookies. "Try one", so I did. Kind of bland, not all that great. Come to find out they were dog cookies someone had sent to our puppy.
I was not amused.

Jay Watson said...

"Hints from Heloise" has got nothing on Max's Domestic Do's & Dont's :)

DonHo57 said...

Great stars, man, you've saved us all once again from horrific harm and self-inflicted mayhem. What would we do without TDSH to watch out for us???

Ps - once in my household a small bottle of mint-scented rubbing alcohol was nearly mistaken for I wear my glasses to do just about everything, the older I get.

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

I'll consider myself warned!

Dave Lowe said...

The dog treat had me laughing because, well, it's a long story, but I learned once not to trust my half asleep eyes when midnight snacking.

Spooky Pie said...

Hey! I love your blog so much I gave it an award!
Get it over here at: This girl Digs Horror

John Rozum said...

Max, I seem to recall you relating to me the incident with the dog treat. I'm told Jane has photos of the other three precious moments.

My father-in-law came close to sampling some polished rocks my kids had set out on a table thinking they were candy. We caught him in time. Of course, he has Alzheimer's.

Brian D. Horrorwitz said...


But seriously, thanks for the tips. Also, don't forget to keep Ben Gey lotion away from your privates. It can be quite painful. (Or... so I'm told.)

Max the drunken severed head said...

WOW. TEN comments-- more than the usual amount! Hmmmm. Must find more stuff not to eat!

Fester-- real people eat pork rinds? Huh. I thought they were novelty items, like rubber fruitcake.

Halloween Spirit-- glad to service you. Um--I mean, be of service.

Mr. Macabre-- Did you dunk it milk or scrape the filling off with your teeth?

Rogue-- Thanks, buddy! Now let me show you an easy way to get rid of blood stains.

DonHo-- Always glad to hear of people drinking the RIGHT kind of alcohol.

Alex-- Forewarned is four-armed! So now you should win at arm wrestling.

Dave Lowe--Details, man, details! Glad to see you comment here. You are one of my all-time favorite cartoonists!

Spooky Pie-- Thank you! I'll be posting on that, and commeting at YOUR blog, very soon! Glad you posted!

John-- You'll believe my wife over me?

Brian-- Yeah, keep the toothpaste off yer yarbles too. I've, um, heard it can burn like a mother!


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