Wonderfest & the Rondos, Pt. 6: The Nausea

Are you sick of me posting about Wonderfest? But I haven't even gotten to the best parts! The Rondo Award ceremony, the displays of masks, model work, vintage monster toys and vintage magazine art-- and best of all, my whack collection of crazy-cool friends I saw!

Well, my birthday is coming up and I'm gonna take my "Max gets spoiled" pregorative to early-- today you get to see and read all about me (urrg, glug) getting my Rondo Award!

The 2010 Rondo Hatton Classic Horror Awards Ceremony

Okay, the presentation for "Best Horror Blog" started off with an unintended laugh: Host David Colton, who was assisted by comedienne Lynda Wylie, said the winner was "The Drunken Shrunken Head"-- after several in the audience shouted out "SEVERED!", he said, "I'm the one who's shrunken!" (This a comment on the fact that David wasn't as tall as his co-host.) Then he added, with a sly-but-good-natured-poke at my online campaign for votes, "I don't know if Max Cheney is here, as he didn't want this award."

Comic actress Linda Wylie and host David Colton.

Well, nothing on Earth or in Hell would have kept me away-- but in order to have my full strength and dexterity as a severed head, I had to show up attached to my robot body:

I wore a sporty new leopard-skin hat, in case some in the audience failed to recognize my name but thought my fez was familiar!

Photo by Gary Prange.

Then Jane assisted me in putting a matching fez on "my leetle frien'," as Al Pacino might introduce HIS Rondo in Scarface, if he'd had one in that movie.

Look! Mini-Me!

Like David Colton, I was lucky to be assisted by the very funny and lovely Linda Wylie, who crawled under the table on my behalf! No, not to slap me awake from a alcohol-induced stupor, but to become a certain famous puppet speaking in his trademark squeaky falsetto...Here's what happened, from the sketch I wrote (with a little assistance from my friend Jeff Pripusich):

MAX:

To quote a sage philosopher, Sandra Bullock, "Did I really earn this or did I just wear you down?"

I'm very surprised to be the winner of this year's Rondo Award for Best Blog. I had fully expected my friend Pierre of Frankensteinia would win. He had some impressive celebrity endorsements such as his endorsement by Tim Lucas of Video Watchdog.

But I had a celebrity endorsement of my own. It flew under the radar, but it produced hundreds of votes and brought me success. I'd like to introduce that celebrity to you now.

(ELMO pops up.)
Elmo sometimes looked a little drunken himself. Photo by Gary Prange.

ELMO:

Hello, drunken severed head!

MAX:

Hello Elmo! Thank you for your endorsement!

ELMO:

You're welcome! My followers are legion and they follow my every command! I told them to copy and paste my e-mail ballot and send it in, and they did!

MAX:

And because of you, I won!

ELMO:

Yes, you did. You owe me BIG time!

MAX:

Yes I do!

ELMO:

You still haven't sent me the check you promised!

MAX:

Hush, felt face! I'll get it to you!

ELMO:

You don't understand! I need it to hire protection! Tim Lucas is sending me death threats!

MAX:

I'll get it to you tonight! So, do you like my Rondo Award?

ELMO:

Well...it looks like Jimmy Durante on steroids. I never heard of one until you contacted me. What is a Rondo Award for?

MAX:

Well, I've been thinking about it, and I think it's FOR this: Killing Easter Peeps!

(MAX pulls blue marshmallow Peeps from a box, starts smashing them with his award--fragments fly everywhere.)

Die! Die! Die!

ELMO:

Die, evil Easter candy, Die! (to MAX) Can I have a piece of that Peep? I'll take a wing!

MAX:

Sure!

(He feeds ELMO some pieces of Peeps)

ELMO:

Nom nom nom!

MAX:

Kids! When you're done playing with your food, a Rondo makes a good "sky god" to frighten your monster toys with!

(Waves Rondo above a Frankenstein figure)

GRRR! RRLLL! Pay no attention to the severed head behind the microphone!

ELMO:

So, blog boy, how does it feel to have a Rondo?

MAX:

Well, I'll tell you!

(Begins singing to the tune of "Everything's Coming Up Roses")

I FEEL SWELL!/I FEEL GREAT!
NOT JUST A HEAD ON A PLATE!
STARTING HERE, STARTING NOW
I CAN SHOUT I WON A RONDO!

Take it, Elmo!

ELMO:

Okay!

(Singing to the same tune)

AND EVERYTHING'S COMING UP ELMO!

AND YOOOOUUUU OWE MEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

MAX:

Thanks Elmo! (aside, impatiently) I'll get you that check!

(MAX bops ELMO on the head, knocking ELMO out of sight)

See you later!

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[Then I named everyone I was grateful to-- here's where you check to see if YOU made the cut of names I could recall:]

Photo by Elizabeth Haney.

The following people gave me the encouragement and/or assistance that made my blog a success: Terry Ingram, Raymond Castile, the UMA, Pierre Fournier, Chris Davis, Joe Moe, Richard Olson, John Cozzoli, Jim Bertges, Ted Newsom, Don Glut, David Colton, Laura Chiaramida, Diane Irby, Sparkle Plenty, The Roads of Autumn Dusk blog and The Skull and Pumpkin blog.

And especially my patient and supportive wife Jane, who I wouldn't trade for a group marraiage to [magazine publishers] Donna Lucas and Marion Clatterbaugh, and three clones of Meghan Fox! Although that would make a good idea for a reality series...Anyway, thanks everyone!

[Then I was off to change into my less-bedazzling, more lumpen, clumsy, everyday android body. Later in the ceremony, I was asked to speak about my late friend Linda Miller, who the "Linda Miller Fan Artist of the Year" Rondo Award is now named for. I talked about her impressive watercolor technique, her persistence in spite of her serious vision troubles, her wit, and her generosity with her many friends scattered around the country. I got a lump in my throat and it was just a bit hard to speak...Soon after that, all the nominees had received their awards and it was all over but the photo-taking.]

"Tell us we don't have to give these back!"

Lynda Wylie, on the far right, seems stunned by the camera flash.

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After the ceremony came the fitting end-- to me! Or nearly so-- fellow nominee Tim Lucas shows what happens to people who beat him in the blog category:

I was all choked up by his emotional reaction to my win.