Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Me or Cthulhu? One blogger's dilemma!

At the blog Kinda Kitschy, Gregory has a dilemma. Should he vote for Allen's Brain and I, or Old One monstrosity Cthulhu, the dark deity discovered by H.P. Lovecraft?

You should leave him a comment. After all, the choice is obvious. Why, it's as clear as the PGA in my punchbowl!

Above is the new bumper sticker for my campaign that he has crafted. Prettier than a pig with lipstick!

Read "Between a Rock and a Tentacled Monstrosity."

Latest political tactic

I'm shadowed by the press everywhere I go! But this works to my advantage sometimes. Here's an example--

So I'm in a strip club the other night with Allen's Brain after a hard day of campaigning, enjoying all the sights of den of dancing iniquity. Nothing like plentiful pulchritude* to stimulate the soul and tantalize the flesh (even as little flesh as the Brain and I possess.)

The Brain asked me why I wouldn't look at this one lovely beauty when she'd writhe sexily on a mirrored support beam. It was because I had to see my own ugly pan and neck stump reflected. So I snapped very loudly, "The poles show I'm a head!"

Now today in the local paper the gossip columns are saying I have secret data showing me getting more support than Obama or McCain. Ah, a chance to craft a feeling of inevitability for my campaign!

I just have to visit strip clubs in all the states with large votes in the Electoral College.

For fun, here's a captioned newspaper photo of me the last time I tried to find a polling place while intoxicated:

I did wonder about the smell of the polling place at the time...Still, I was in a heavenly daze for a few short moments, before landing and conking my coconut!

* Look it up after you look up "iniquity."

Monday, September 29, 2008

My energy plan!

The energy plan of the Severed Head/Brain campaign relies on American ingenuity. Especially the ingenuity of American artists like MAD's Al Jaffe! From the book Al Jaffe's MAD Inventions come the blueprints for two devices that will supply large amounts of renewable, clean energy to the U.S.A.! See for yourself (click to enlarge):

Take all the computers and TVs used just by kids, and hook this device up to supply the energy. Then supply the kids with Frosted Flakes and Mountain Dew (or donuts and Red Bull, whatever), and--voila! A sizable fraction of our energy needs are met!

THIS device will not only generate energy, but will also lessen the obesity epidemic in this country! (And of course, monster movies and horror flicks will produce the most feet motion by frightened and excited customers, so the Brain and I propose to decrease taxes on all such films made in this country!)

The gains in weight loss by moviegoers will, in turn, will help to lower our health insurance! And fitter citizens mean an increase worker productivity! Taken all together, these social benefits will boost the economy substantially! I ask you, what other presidential campaign is so clever and visionary! And weird! ("None!" I hear you say.) SO VOTE FOR THE HEAD AND THE BRAIN! For "strange" you can believe in!

Oh, and while you're out on Election Day, go buy MAD magazine and books by Al Jaffe! And ones by Sergio Aragones, too! You'll stimulate the economy! And you'll strike a blow for freedom of the press at the same time! So go goose Lady Liberty while you're priming the pump!

(Wait--that doesn't sound right...)


All art above belongs to the copyright holders, and is used for satirical purposes only; it will be removed at the owner's request.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Monster Kids Are Coming!!!

Or so I hope! Noted TV horror host Prof. Anton Griffin, (a/k/a "Joseph Fotinos", the alias the good prof uses when laying low), and Scott Essman at Universal Studios have produced a brief pilot for a proposed cartoon series starring the iconic monsters (as children) from the classic Universal monster movies of the past, with character designs done by noted artist Kerry Gammill. This news was shared at the Classic Horror Film Board not long ago, and as I am excited about this project, I got Prof. Griffin's blessing to run his news here. Below are Griffin's history and "bible" for this project now being pitched. Take it away, Prof.!

"This is a project that I have been involved in for almost two years now. I was first approached by Scott Essman from Visionary Cinema regarding assisting him in a new animated series.

"Mr. Essman is the creative visionary behind the [legendary Hollywood makeup artist] Jack Pierce live show and video, Jack Pierce, the Man Behind the Monsters. Scott was also my main contact with Universal Studios, providing marketing material for Prof. Griffin to promote in my market from their home video releases and specifically, Monsters, Horror and Sci-Fi releases.

"Scott invited me to join him in the creation of an animated series starring our favorite classic monsters, but as children. In this universe, the Monsters all attend school together and interact with each other directly, they're cute, but still retain their accepted attitudes and characters from the classic films…(albeit, not as deadly.)

"Scott then shared with me the character sketches of the Monster Babies (as he was calling them.) They included a little Frankenstein, Dracula, Wolf Man, a little Gill-Man, a Bride, Mr. Hyde, an Invisible 'Kid' a Phantom kid, and a Kharis 'Mummy' child.

"The characters were all drawn by the amazing Kerry Gammill and each one captured their character perfectly. Frankenstein's Monster was depicted with a gentle look, holding a small flower. The Phantom Kid was obviously the 'band geek' and the little Hyde was a science nerd…(with pocket protector) and the Invisible Kid even had a science geek T-shirt and books.

"Scott asked me to help him to write a six-minute pilot script, and this would then be produced into a test animation which would then be pitched to animation studios…particularly Universal.

"Naturally, I jumped at the opportunity and immediately got to work.

"I wrote a simple pilot, which features the Monster Babies at Jack P. Pierce Elementary, each one being showcased around a simple pilot plot as the Monster (Frank) tries to meet and give a gift to The Bride. Little Dracula offers to help, but he has his own devious, controlling ideas in mind.

"I filled with script with references to our beloved Universal Classics. The script was approved and then vocal casting took place.

"While that was going on, I began to write the character breakdowns and bits and pieces of the series bible. Here are the character breakdowns for the Monster Babies.

"Kid Frank - (Frank) A gentle soul who has a serious crush on Kid Bride (Elsa). Frank is a kid of many aspects, and parts. He enjoyed the simple pleasures of life, good drink, good food, good music…and is happy just relaxing in a meadow, enjoying a sunset. His character type is best described as a country bumpkin, but obviously NOT a country hick…a hayseed, corn-fed powerhouse who really likes animals and simple toys.

"Of course, Kid Frank is massively powerful and resilient. He lumbers along without grace and dexterity and at times, it appears as if he'll just topple over, however, he is NOT slow…and moves faster than one might expect. Kid Frank generally does not know his own impressive strength. He DOES get angry however…and when these rare occasions happen, he goes on a MONSTER RAMPAGE. All the other Monster Kids know that if Frank blows his stack, it's best to get out of the way. He crushes stone, rips chains out of walls, and roars (RRRRRRRR!) as he rampages and doesn't really care who he hurts or what he does…until he calms back down.Usually, only Kid Bride (Elsa) or Kid Drac can calm him, but the Phantom Kid's Violin can soothe him too.When Kid Frank reaches any emotional extremes - excited, shy, thrilled - sparks of electricity fire off from his bolts.

"Kid Drac - (Vlad) Kid Drac is the smoothest, richest, coolest kid at The Jack P. Pierce Elementary of Vasaria and is at times devious and manipulative. He is arrogant, snobbish, and sure of himself. He is, however, lonely, and really desires the company of the other Monster Kids. He tries too hard to be the best, and to impress, when the other kids generally accept him as he is. Kid Drac likes Kid Bride (Elsa) but not sincerely. In fact, Kid Drac likes ALL girls…and most girls like him…except Elsa, and this bothers him. He accepts his general superiority over the other Monster Kids with a false modesty, and when he does help out or play along with the gang, in his mind, he's a ruler helping the poor peasants.

"He glides with grace and moves fluidly. His eyes and eyebrows are the most ANIMATED thing about him…changing, narrowing, shifting raising etc… to register his emotions. His cape swirls around him and he often appears suddenly from the shadows (because he can). He LOVES to make an entrance. He has hypnotic influence over some of the other kids, and enjoys manipulating Kid Frank. He can change into a bat, a wolf, and mist.

"The teachers and staff of Jack P. Pierce Elementary know that Kid Drac is generally behind any trouble or disturbance, but can hardly ever prove it. His ring is a powerful talisman and can be used in extreme circumstances to extend his influence. Wolf-Kid LOVES to tease him and often annoys him by stepping on his cape or chasing him through the hall.

"Wolf-Kid (Larry) - The Wolf-Kid is a wild child…an athletic, quick, ruffian who excels in ALL sports at Jack P. Pierce Elementary. He is often disheveled and his clothes are torn and in disarray. He loves to roughhouse, and his favorite playmates are Kid Frank and the Gill-Kid (who can match him in resilience and strength). The Wolf-Kid LOVES to annoy Kid Drac…often shredding the end of his cape, or leaping at him all of a sudden out of nowhere. He does not speak…often…but is capable. When he does speak, it's excitable…between growls, throaty and simple. When he gets excited, he HOWLS…and he LOVES likes to perch UP HIGH on desks, tables, walls etc. Generally he walks on two legs, hunched over…but will drop on all fours when he needs speed.

"The girls at Jack P. Pierce Elementary like him, (he's the James Dean wild rebel type…) and he knows this and enjoys being aloof. At times, Wolf-Kid is LESS WOLFY and appears as Larry. Larry is a mournful, nerdy loner who is the polar opposite of Wolf-Kid. When Wolf-Kid, he's athletic, quick and manly…as Larry, he's pale, depressed and moody. Most of the other Monster Kids don't even know they are one and the same and tend to ignore Larry. Only Kid Bride (Elsa) finds it odd that whenever Larry comes to school…the Wolf-Kid is not around. Larry doesn't spend much time with anyone except his best friend Invisible Kid. Often annoying him with his constant complaining and asking for a cure…
"Kid-Mummy (Kharis) Little Kharis is truly lost in time. As the OLDEST Monster Kid, he is also the most out of touch with modern technology and generally the world around him. He is amazed and entranced by the simplest things…vending machines, water fountains, yo-yos, etc. He moves very slowly, dragging one foot, but is tire-less and often seen in the background shuffling to one class or another. He's usually late. Most of the time, the other Monster Kids have to wait for him, but at other times, he suddenly meets them at their destination with no explanation as to how. Kid-Mummy does not speak at all…but communicates with gestures and tilts of the head. He has one eye…and it's also his main source of emotional expression. Widening or narrowing with comic effect, or half-lidded with disdain or boredom.

"Kid-Kharis is the president of the Jack P. Pierce Elementary Chess Club and no one has yet to beat him, both Invisible Kid and Kid Drac often try. Kid-Mummy is also the best Math student in the school, excelling in Geometry. Kid-Mummy is deeply in love with Ananka, a fellow student at Jack P. Pierce Elementary, and has transferred to several schools following her. He only loses his temper when he sees Ananka annoyed or bothered or talking to another boy. Kid-Mummy is very strong but rarely displays his strength. Ananka (who'll we will meet in future episodes of MONSTER KIDS) is seemingly completely oblivious to Little Kharis…or is she?

"Kid Bride - (Elsa) Elsa is a child of nature. She enjoys sports, the outdoors, the sun and pretty things. She is NOT girly and doesn't act like a princess…she is tough.

"BUT deep down inside she wants to be a pretty princess like Ananka…but would never admit it.

"Example: She would ask Frank to not pay so much attention to Luna or one of the other girl monster kids, and when he pays more attention to her, she would ask him what's wrong with him and to just act normal around her.

"She feigns disinterest in romance, and would rather be righting the wrongs at Jack P. Pierce Elementary.

"She often forms social clubs…in fact it's almost always a new club each week. She is a Monster Tree Hugger, loves nature (especially thunderstorms) and always tries to help other kids with their problems…sometimes to the point of being nosy and bossy.She has the potential to be the leader of the gang and often times finds herself organizing the Monster Kids to a cause.

"She moves wispy, and birdlike…her head jerking suddenly from side to side. She fancies herself a good dancer, but her steps are graceless and awkward, and when she is upset, she hisses…like a cat!

"The Invisible Kid - (Griff) The Invisible Kid is the boy genius who is always intellectualizing every situation. He is extremely smart but often doubts himself and if he ever gets anything less than perfection, will chastise himself with cries of "Fool Fool, Fool!". He usually has his face in a book, and KNOWS his mind is his greatest weapon. He has plans to one day be the ruler of school, beating everyone in every activity.

"Griff has the tendency to make grand pronouncements and when he does, he likes to stand, and gesture wildly, wringing his hands, balling them into fists and shouting to the sky (and to whomever bothers to listen). He has a serious persecution complex and always thinks Kid Hyde is out to sabotage his work and experiments. He's right. He has a bit of a cruel streak, and when the mood strikes him, he removes his clothes and bandages and wreaks havoc throughout the school…laughing manically as he does so. Most of his pranks are harmless. His only real friend is band-geek Kid-Phantom (Erik) and he spends most of his time ranting to him. Larry, the strange lonely, nerdy, awkward kid who attends class from time to time, also hangs out with him…much to Griff's annoyance.

"The Phantom Kid (Erik)- The Phantom Kid is the nerd musical prodigy who often spends his time in the band room, deep, deep under Jack P. Pierce Elementary. He plays the organ there, and his music can be heard echoing from deep below from time to time. He also plays the violin and is almost never without his violin case and sheets of music. He is composing a masterpiece, and has been working on it for as long as anyone can remember. He speaks softly with a slight clipped accent, and moves in the shadows and darkness, lurking. His best friend is The Invisible Kid and his music is often the only accompaniment to Griff's rants and raves.

"The Phantom Kid hides a real romantic side, and is capable of composing beautiful love poems to melt a girl's heart. He often helps the other Monster Kids with affairs of the heart. His music is his armor and his shield and without it, he stammers and gulps, and fidgets. As the series progresses, he will meet Little Christine, a young girl who sings in the school choir and she becomes his obsession…and in a future episode, we'll dedicate time to his quest for romance.

"Kid-Creature (The Gill-Kid) - Kid Creature is a Monster. A roaring, lumbering, scaly, slimy monster who is also the captain of the swim team. He is also champion of the water-polo team, water-volleyball team, and the dive-team. Track and Field is not his best sport. On land, he moves with a slight stumbling gait, lifting his massive webbed flipper feet and often stumbles and falls. Stairs are not his favorite thing in the world. When he is in class he wears a diving helmet, but it's filled with water. He can go without it, but when he does, his gills flex and he breathes shallow and labored. The Gill-Kid does not speak at all but roars and gestures. He usually plays rough with The Wolf-Kid and can be often found lurking in the fountain in the Court of Miracles at the center of the school quad. He has a schoolboy crush on Ms. Adams, the school swim teacher.

"Kid Hyde - (Eddie) Kid Hyde is a science nerd just like The Invisible Kid, but pretends he's cool like Kid-Drac. He likes to tell mean jokes and puts down the other kids, especially Griff, as he sees him as an annoyance in the science lab. He cannot be trusted (extremely two-faced) and likes to talk behind other Monster's backs. He laughs loudly at other monster's misfortunes and bullies Kid-Phantom and Invisible Kid. He's usually the one who cheers on any cruelty. He walks slightly hunched and with hurried steps. He's the smallest of the Monster-Kids height-wise and because this, tries to be tougher. Secretly, and unknown to anyone else (perhaps revealed in future episode) but Kid-Hyde is also Little Henry, a dedicated aloof science nerd. But Henry NEVER appears. Hyde keeps a vial of a strange potion with him at all times, and when he feels the need…(if he is nice, or not as cruel) with drink it down with a gulp. He's the messiest kid at school…messy locker, messy desk, messy eater, etc. Eddie usually gets his comeuppance by episode's end, and truth be told he's not evil…there's no real malice in his mischief, he just likes to have bawdy fun. He hangs out with his stoolies, Fritz and Karl…two demented delinquents.

"The cast was cast and a vocal recording session took place for the project.

"From left: Jonathan ten broek (Baby Drac), Jim Linahon (recording engineer), Samantha Ford (Baby Bride), Scott Essman (Baby Phantom), Bob Stilwell (Invisible Baby), Tyler ten broek (Baby Frank), Kevin Myers (assistant engineer/script supervisor/god)

"Missing From Photo: Robert Collins (Baby Hyde)

"A final change was needed.

"Originally, the Wolf-Kid was all sound effects, growls, roars etc…but I KNEW that the role had to be played by an actor who could bring this little wild-child to life.

"A final vocal talent was called upon at zero hour on my recommendation as the Wolf-Kid. Someone I knew had experience with this sort of thing… it's Magoo Gelehrter (Garou Himself) from Penny Dreadful's Shilling Shockers! (Thanks Magoo! You put the cherry on the vocal cake!)

"There was one LAST thing that was bothering me. The title. Monster Babies. They're not babies…they're kids! And Monster Babies seems too derivative of Muppet Babies. I suggested the genre catch-phrase…Monster Kids, and even contacted the man who introduced the phrase into our popular culture, USA Today writer, David Colton…and he gave his blessing with great joy!

"The new title…Monster Kids.

"So…now, without further ado…travel to the land of Vasaria and visit Jack P. Pierce Elementary school. And let's meet…THE MONSTER KIDS!

"Thanks for watching.

"Prof. Griffin"

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Cartoons from Meek

While re-reading my e-mail correspondence with Linda "Meek" Miller,
I found some cartoons from Mad and The New Yorker that she photocopied and sent to me. I chose a few to share here because they typify her sense of humor. All rights belong to the artists and magazines the cartoons appeared in and are shared here only temporarily.

There was a sadness in Meek, and shyness was a feature of her makeup, too. She understood that an appreciation of the dark and macabre is not often gotten easily, but can come with a price. And she loved puns and wordplay-- so naturally the cartoon above appealed to her.

Of course she would send a cartoon about monsters and drunkeness to me.

I'm sure she appreciated the great black-and-white art of the amazing Sergio Aragones, a cartoonist who has been both prolific AND funny for several decades.

I'm sure she sent the above to represent the company she kept-- friends made through sites like
Universal Monster Army, Lugosiphilia, and Monster Bash.

Friends who will remember her as long as they live. And maybe longer.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

The Brain Speaks and Shares His Story!

My friends--

My vice-presidential running mate, Allen's Brain, has posted his acceptance speech here. (Inspiring!) Within it, you'll read the story of his strange but magnaminous beginnings. (Moving!)

This brain will touch your heart. (Eewww. Excuse me--visceral reaction.) His speech, and his story, will grab your psyche by the lapels! You'll smile with patriotic feeling! You'll swell with American pride! (Keep antihistamines near.)

Yes, he'll amaze and astound you--and all without sick kids or spouses, funny relatives, MILFs, or girlfriends on the side! (Though he does have mutated lizard-men as assistants and bodyguards. Kinda like having Secret Service Sleestaks!)

Now go click on that link above like the loyal supporter that you are!

Monday, September 22, 2008


Yes, I have at last chosen my running mate! ('Bout damn time!) The smartest guy I know, ALLEN'S BRAIN!

Unlike conventional politicians Barack Obama and John McCain, *I* have gone for the OBVIOUS choice.

Also, the only candidate who returned my phone calls.

The following is a transcript of the conversation I had last week with the Brain that led me to decide he was the one to be at my side:

Max TDSH: As you know, I'm considering you as my choice for veep. Will you answer some questions? Some were recently left in the comment section of the blog.

Allen's Brain: Ask away, sir. With my newly-repaired pneumatic lift, I shall rise to the challenge of answering these questions. Of course, if you have additional (and probably better) answers on some of these, feel free to advise.

Max TDSH: Thanks for starting off by sucking up. I find that refeshi-- reefish-- uh, very satisfying!

Allen's Brain: I exist to serve.

Max TDSH: Well, here are some questions from a commentator who signed himself as "An anonymous felon."

Allen's Brain: An anonymous felon? Odd, since convicted felons can't vote...

Max TDSH: Well, many of them seem to hold public office. Or perhaps it was my old friend, the Dominican friar and jazz musician, Felonious Monk. (Ha ha!)

Allen's Brain: Max, I beg you not to tempt me to use deadly telepathic force.

Max TDSH: Okay, okay, settle down. (Sheesh, one lousy pun and I get threatened...) Here's question #1. "Ask him what he'd do for a sagging economy."

Allen's Brain: Higher taxes! And lavish raises for everyone on Capitol Hill! We'll live the lives of the Roman emperors! It's about time we start the bacchanal! And I would set a historical precedent with the minimum wage, by being the first to lower it!

If that doesn't cause the economy to droop, we'll just have to wait for old age and gravity to take its toll. Next question.

Max TDSH: I think he means what would you do to repair the sagging ecomomic -- ecognomic -- ecomedic-- financial situation we have now.

Allen's Brain: Oh..."My bad!" as the youth of America like to say. Hmmm. We should re-introduce slave labor. Zombie slave labor. Every cent we aren't paying our zombie workers is another cent in our pockets! And I'm thinking of adding a "Free Beer Friday" twice a month to the calendar. Do I have the power to do that?

Max TDSH: If I get in office, you will! Alright, moving on. Question #2 is about foreign policy. "I hear there are 'weapons of mass destruction' in the country Borogrovia! What should be done about them?"

Allen's Brain: Hold insurance policies in several different nations. I do! It never hurts to be too careful, just in case I have to be exiled--erm, in case I'm on vacation abroad.

Max, tell him this: "I think I stand with the Head when I say that the greatest path to better foreign relations is to hold tastings of their native alcoholic beverages, be it beer, wine, or brain--grain--alcohol. We drink to one another's health (good health, preferably,) compliment them on their beverage's distinctive good qualities, and assure them that we believe it is representative of the goodness of their respective nation. Then, we'll have another. This should boost the national spirits. This policy may difficult to carry out with Muslim countries, but I'd be happy to enjoy Turkish coffee and baklava with them.

"As to Borogrovia-- The Borogroves have been all mimsy as of late, but I don't believe that they are any threat to the safety of the United States. There are weapons there, (I should know, I developed them for a rather large fee), but they are weapons of m'ass destruction-- we'd only lose our behinds if they were used on us. But importantly, WHAT I CREATED I CAN DESTROY!"

Max TDSH: Question #3: "Illegal immigration is a concern these days. What does Allen's Brain suggest be done about the sudden influx of gypsy fortune tellers that are stealing carnival jobs from hard-working Americans?"

Allen's Brain: Nothing! Who would protect those whose walk is thorny?

The biggest problem in the carnival fortune-telling industry is not gypsy immigrants, but rather those fairground fortune-telling machines. Don't blame immigration, blame science and industry. If you are any good at foreseeing the future,then you already know what I'm going to do about it. If you aren't, consult the nearest "Zoltan" or "Madame Blavatsky" machine.

Max TDSH: Question #4. Isn't it true that the Brain has--on repeated occasions--accepted campaign contributions from underworld figures?

Allen's Brain: Yes. I once took $666 from Lucifer to attend a meeting with my advisors in the business community. But that led to the development of the Chia Pet, a fine product popular at office Christmas parties!

Also, Charon the ferryman gave me $50 once for advice on entering Cerberus into the Iditarod, after Hell froze over when Michael Jackson got married to Lisa Marie Presley. But I see nothing wrong with any of that.

Max TDSH: Well, I certainly see something wrong with Michael marrying the daughter of The King! But, never mind that. Brain of Allen, YOU are the chosen one! Congratulations!

Allen's Brain: Thank you. I look forward to serving Man. Heh, heh, heh.


Update: Yesterday, I asked Allen's Brain, "Have you gotten Palin and Biden to agree to a debate?

He replied, "I'm due to debate Sarah Palin in a week or so. Biden refused to stoop to my level (which probably says something about his feelings toward the physically-challenged,) but DID comment that my jar was nice and clean."

We are now firmly planted on the national political stage!Ladies and gentlemen, a glass ceiling has been broken. We of the no-body community are no longer nobodies!

Saturday, September 20, 2008

RIP Linda Miller

My friend, artist Linda Miller, has died suddenly and I am full of grief. I'll post more about her later; today I am too sad to post. If you haven't looked at her art or read my interview with her, do yourself a favor and go here. She was one of the most giving, thoughtful, funny, and talented human beings I have ever known.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Voodoo for Victory!

Dear fellow Americans, concerned citizens, weirdos, and supporters--

YOU can make the Presidency of The Drunken Severed Head a reality!

I don't mean by getting each TDSH reader to vote 250,000 times (my previous strategy), or by getting enough voters drunk so that they make a mistake on the ballot (another previous strategy), but by indirect means.

By buying toys.

Specifically, dolls. More specifically, these dolls:

John McCain

Barack Obama

(If you want a cuddlier Obama doll to stick pins into-- then consider buying this doll.)

Yep, buy these dolls and stick pins in 'em. Repeatedly. America needs the leadership of The Drunken Severed Head for a spell, (because you recognize I'm the only candidate with enough liquor in him to squarely face America's problems) and a spell oughtta get me into 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue!

Images property of the owner(s), no rights inferred or infringement intended.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Drinking with royalty!

That's right-- I tied one on with a king! Larry King, to be precise!

Yup, last week the suspender-wearin' schmoozer of CNN raised a few with yours truly...and lived to regret it!

You see, I know a staff member on King's show, and she got me onto King's set. Smuggled me into the place in an oversize Louis Vuitton bag! (I love traveling in style.) Anyway, she plopped me down in front of Meister of Meandering, because he adores novelty items and practical jokes, and she'd sized me up as a living combination of the two.

When King saw me, he gasped. Then he laughed. And laughed some more.

I told him about myself, and my campaign for President, and he laughed even harder. Then he pushed a button and his desk became a bar! We proceeded to get toasted on brewskis. Man, can he put it away! But he kept asking me where the booze I downed went to. "Hackensack," I told him, and that made him roar.

Unfortunately, he got "playful." He started to roll me around on his desk, (while making train noises), then he put little flags in my hair. After a fit of the giggles, he turned to the camera (which was on, but not "live"). Then, IT HAPPENED. He endorsed me for President. (He twice had to make a go at it since he couldn't stop giggling.)

But what King now regrets (now that he's sober) is that I got a photo of his rash remark! It was taken from the monitor, and includes an automatically-generated subtitle for the hearing-impaired. Here's the picture:
That's no misspelling above. He was so faced that he actually called me a "nogin," (rhyming with "slogan") rather than a "noggin," which is what he meant. That gave me a fit of the giggles!

Of course, King was done taping for the day, and so was off his guard, (read "plastered"), and that's how I was able to get a crew member to supply me with the picture. But when King found out later that I'd left the studio with a photo, was he mad! His lawyer, Sue Yurpantsov, sent me a nasty letter, implying all kinds of legal consequences if I talk about what happened, or show the picture. But tough. Larry King, if only for a few moments, endorsed ME for President!

It's something I'll be able to tell my grandchildren. (Or yours, weird reader, since I am unable to make more little Maxs.)

My thanks to Richard Olson for taking me to King's studio.

And it puts me one step aHEAD in the journey to the White House!

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

A message from Don Glut

Writer, filmmaker, Frankenstein authority and dinosaur expert Don Glut sent me a message (posted below) about how one can break into showbiz: become an associate movie producer! That's what you'll be, in essence, if you invest in Don Glut's latest feature film, Blood Scarab.

Here's Don:

"Frontline Entertainment needs a few more investors to pay off post-production (CGI effects, music score composition, sound design & color corrections) on our new horror movie BLOOD SCARAB. This low-budget, independent film - Frontline's best yet - is completed, has already had its gala theatrical premiere at Chicago's prestigious Music Box. In November it will play at both Hollywood's New Beverly Cinema and Chicago's Portage Theatre (both times double-billed with Frontline's DINOSAUR VALLEY GIRLS).

"It is already out on DVD (see Amazon) and there are possible TV deals pending.

"BLOOD SCARAB is a sequel to four previous movies in Frontline's popular COUNTESS DRACULA and MUMMY'S KISS cult-movie series.

"If you've ever dreamed about being involved in a Hollywood movie, here's an opportunity to make that dream come true. For more info, contact director/writer Donald F. Glut (www.donaldfglut.com) at (818) 848-2646 or Invest@frontlinefilms.com. For photos, cast list, plot synopsis, etc. (also on our previous movies), visit /www.frontlinefilms.com and click on `Now Showing.'

"Donald F. Glut, President, Frontline Entertainment, Inc."

Artist Dwayne Pinkney

At the 2005 MONSTER BASH convention, I met a talented young artist whose work I enjoyed very much. (I previously blogged about him here.) I took a photo of him with one of his paintings that I loved, but after the con I lost touch with him. Having found him again this year, I asked him to share his art with TDSH readers and to answer some questions. Here he is from 2005 holding a painting that I found delightfully funny and very well done:

Boris Karloff as Frankenberry! Genius!

Here at last is an interview with this talented young painter, whose name is Dwayne Pinkney. He's a fan of the classic Universal monsters as well as a huge Incredible Hulk freak. The interview was conducted mostly through e-mail, but supplemented with phone conversation. (Interspersed with the text are some of Dwayne's monster masterpieces, and some items from his Hulk collection.)


TDSH: Why do you believe you were attracted to monsters as a subject?

DP: I don't really have an answer to that...my first interest as a child were comic books. My earliest drawings were copies of comic book pages. I was mainly into Spider-man until the Incredible Hulk TV series, then I became fascinated with the Hulk. I think possibly the horror elements of that series, mainly the Frankenstein and Jekyll/Hyde themes made me take interest in horror films. When I was in fourth grade, I remember buying a book at a local bookmobile titled Movie Monsters by Alan Ormsby. I still have it to this day. That book, more than anything else, made me the monster fan I am today. I was fascinated by the photos from these old films, and wanted to know more about them.

TDSH: Did your love of monsters ever get you into trouble as a kid?

DP: Oh yeah. I remember being 8 years old and realizing one day that the fresh-cut grass stained the soles of my feet green. Being the Hulk fan that I was, I immediately realized I could look just like my idol! I set about rubbing clumps of grass all over my body, and cut up my good dress shirt. As I was roaring and terrorizing my poor sister in the back yard, my mom looked out the window and saw her son covered from head to toe with grass stain, wearing his now ruined dress shirt. The Hulk met his match that day, let me tell you.

TDSH: Which cereal do you like best: Frankenberry, Count Chocula, Booberry, or Fruit Brute?

DP: Gotta go with Count Chocula. I'm a bona-fide chocoholic.

TDSH: What's the best cereal premium ever, in your opinion?

DP: I don't really remember any, except for this cool submarine that I got in a box of Cap'n Crunch. You put baking soda in it, and it would dive and come back to the surface over and over. Guess I'll have to go with that one.

TDSH: Your love of monsters and your sense of humor impressed me when I saw you with your paintings at the Monster Bash convention. So I'm curious-- what are your favorite horror films, and what are your favorite comedies?

DP: My favorite horror films are all of the Universal Monster films, with Phantom of the Opera (1925) being my favorite. I tend to like really stupid comedies, like Team America.

TDSH: Do you have any hobbies besides painting?

DP: I collect and build classic horror garage model kits, and have an extensive DVD collection of classic genre films and TV series. I have a large collection of memorabilia from the Incredible Hulk TV series, including posters, lobby cards, pressbooks, stills, etc. from over a dozen different countries. At over 300 pieces, it is believed to be the largest, most comprehensive collection in existence.

TDSH: Don't you have a display planned for Monster Bash 2009?

DP: Yes. I'll be bringing my entire collection of Incredible Hulk TV memorabilia, which will be on display in the first ever Hulk Museum!!

I'm really looking forward to seeing Lou Ferrigno at the Bash, and hope he enjoys the display also.

TDSH: Tell me some of the items you'll have there for people to see.

DP: My Bride of the Incredible Hulk one sheet [a poster from the European release of a feature made from episodes of the series], my The Incredible Hulk Australian daybill, [a 13 x 30 inch advertisement for the theatrical release of the TV pilot film] and my SUPER RARE Topps 1979 bubblegum card order form.

TDSH: Where has your art been seen?

DP: My model work has been featured in Amazing Figure Modeler and Modeler's Resource magazines, and I have done two painted magazine covers, one for the October 2006 issue of Big Reel, and one for Mature Focus. I was surprised and honored when my illustration for Mature Focus was chosen as the Best Cover Illustration of 2007 by the North American Magazine Publishers Association (NAMPA). I never saw that coming, and didn't even find out about it until three months after it had happened. The artist is always the last to know!

TDSH: Any artists whose work you strongly dislike?

DP: Only one...Saul Bass. I think he is the most overrated artist in history. His movie posters remind me of the stuff you see moms hanging on their refrigerator doors.

TDSH: Who are your favorite artists, and do you think they have influenced your style?

DP: My favorite artists are James Bama, Drew Struzan, Basil Gogos, Lorraine Bush, and my good friend Fred Chesnes. All of them have influenced my style, in that even with their own unique styles they have achieved a level of realism with their art that I strive for. I honestly cannot bear to look at my own work from even five years ago...I am always evolving, always learning new techniques, and striving for that sense of realism in my work, even though the subject matter may be fantastical. After many years of trial and error, I think I'm finally on the right path to where I want to be with my art, and I hope to continue improving. I want to really push the limits of what I can do.

TDSH: Your Son of Frankenstein is an exercise in tribute to a cover from the second issue of '70s Marvel mag, Monsters of the Movies. [An excellent examination of the issue and its cover art can be found here at the fantastic Frankensteinia site.]

DP: Well, as you figured out, my painting was definitely inspired by the fantastic work of Bob Larkin.

I have been trying for years to develop my own distinct style, influenced by Basil Gogos of course, since he is the Michaelangelo of Monsters.

Unfortunately, nothing I ever did had the look I was aiming for. On Gogos' own advice after seeing my work, I tried loosening up, but that's just not how I paint, and everything I tried like that looked sloppy and somehow unfinished to me...like a rough sculpture.

I discovered Larkin's work through some of the Marvel magazine covers he did, and immediately recognized many similarities between my own style in his work. I analyzed the cover he did throroughly, and thought I could improve on it by making it a stand alone portrait of Karloff. I felt the busy background scene in Larkin's painting shifted too much of the focus away from the monster.

The result is a painting which I feel is at least as good as the cover that inspired it. I found it very easy to adapt my style towards what Larkin had done. For my next painting, I decided to do Lon Chaney as the Phantom, [see above] with only the original black and white photo for reference. This would be the test. Could I duplicate the technique again without any reference? The answer was yes. Looking at the Phantom, you could easily believe that Bob Larkin himself painted it.

These two paintings have been a major turning point for me creatively. I feel I have finally achieved the look I have been striving for, and I'm looking forward to exploring it further.

TDSH: Clearly, you are very thoughtful about your technique and what suits your style. It's impressive to hear you describe your striving to accomplish your best.

Since your portrait work shows that you are a major monster fan, you must love Halloween. What are you doing All Hallow's Eve?

DP: This year, Halloween takes on a new importance in my life, as I marry the ghoul of my dreams on that day! (That will save me a lot of trouble when anniversaries roll around!)

TDSH: Just like the Voodoo Queen and me! Are you nervous?

DP: Nah...it's gonna be a blast!

We're really having fun planning everything. I'm pulling out all the stops this year and making my most elaborate costume ever: Doctor Octopus!

TDSH: Wow. All the more arms to hold your bride with!

Thanks for the interview Dwayne, and for sharing your art and your thoughts here at The Drunken Severed Head. And congratulations to you and your bride-to-be!

Update Mar. 2009: Dwayne sent this excellent painting of Herman Munster to share with you here:

Monday, September 15, 2008

Stuff it

As in "stuffing the ballot box" (which I hope happens on my behalf), and as in "Drunken Severed Head stuff -- it might sell!" (Which is what I thought could happen after I saw the art Richard's created!)

Following the creation of my campaign poster, and by arrangement with the artist, I have promotional materials ready so you can show your support for my campaign while at work, at home, or anywhere!

Click here: The Severed Head Shop!

Of course, by my shilling my own junk at this blog, "Stuff it!" might just be what you tell me!

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Posting a poster!

Thanks to artist Richard Olson, my campaign poster is now ready for distribution. Feast your eyes on this:

Ain't it a beaut?

Add vice

Reader Helen Noffis, a noted political consultant, wrote me to ask how I come to decisions. "If I am to consider voting for you, I must know the way you evaluate a problem. Please release a statement on how you seek advice and describe your decision-making style."

Well, Ms. Nosy Parker, I often use the internet (unlike at least one candidate running for President, I know how to) and, in fact, I usually consult this source of wisdom when making decisions.

But I'm not partisan. Sometimes I reach across the divide to consult respected voices of experience.

I thank former First Lady Nancy Reagan for pointing out to me these valuable resources.

A related article to improve the quality of advice you get when making decisions can be found at this link.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Vetting a veep possibility

Over at his blog, Allen's Brain, I asked the bottle blue brain about his past. You can see his answer there, but I'm cross-posting the answers here in the interests of transparency.

That, and because it gives me free material for this blog.

Max TDSH: I think I may choose YOU to be my running mate. Anything embarrassing in your past I should know about?

Allen's Brain: Um, not since I gave up my body.

There is my somewhat unpopular stance on stem cell research and genetic engineering, of course. How do our constituents feel about my atomic super-race of Lizard Men?

Additionally, I'm not only in favor of global warming, I'm causing it--to better help my asparagus men to grow.

If that's too much for the voters, may I suggest the pickled head of Peter Lorre?


TDSH readers, send in more questions for me to ask this contained cerebrum!

More digits on the FEWDIO Hand!

Fewdio Entertainment, the group of five filmmakers who are producing smart short horror films for the festival circuit and the internet, use five fingerprints as their logo. (Initially, they even called themselves "Fewdio Hand.") Now, appropriately enough for filmmakers of the dark fantastic, they've mutated! They now have a sixth finger, Marichelle Daywalt. Her debut short horror, "Anniversary", is well done and clever, and I recommend you check it out.

See it here.

An endorsement!

A possible running mate endorses me! Sort of...

Of course, a female brain would have more cache, and help me pick off disgruntled Hillary voters.

I know-- I'll pick governess Sara Bellum, of Alaska! (She's a brain in a jar who baby-sits my nieces and nephews in Juneau.)

No. On second thought, before I settle on any one candidate, I need all of you out there to suggest the one celebrity or politician you believe would naturally pair well with a sobriety-challenged severed head!

Write in today!

Friday, September 12, 2008

Da bait!

Above: The crowd at the Party of One debate. Photo by CC_Chapman (Flickr)

Campaign news update: The following is a transcript of the one-man candidate debate that occurred earlier today with Max the Drunken Severed Head.

Despite the single candidate, their was suspense in the air, said many in the audience. The candidate was obviously tense, and beside himself.

No one had spoken about who would speak first, and this led to a rocky start to the debate.

Max TDSH: So, who's going first with an opening statement?

Max TDSH: That'd be me.

Max TDSH: Like hell!

Max TDSH: Alright, alright. I'll flip a coin with my nose. Call it.

Max TDSH: Heads!

Max TDSH: That figures...Tails! You lose, loser!

Max TDSH: Oh, shut up.

Max TDSH: Well, I might, just to leave you speechless!

Max TDSH: Look, I just want to talk about my plan to create 200,000 new bartending jobs in this country, so if you can stop being a dope--

Max TDSH: Now, now, be civil--

Max TDSH: Yeah! Civil!

Max TDSH: I thought he was talking to you!

Max TDSH: Hunh?

Max TDSH: As in civil liberties? As in THE ACLU? You a card-carrying member?

Max TDSH: What are you insinuating?

Max TDSH: Only that "the Head"... is RED!

Max TDSH: I've always been a redhead, yes. But--

Max TDSH: Typical godless lefty. I'll bet you'd bump fists with Madeleine Murray O'Hare, if you had one!

Max TDSH: Have you been drinking?

Max TDSH: So, Madeleine your type?

Max TDSH: She's dead!

Max TDSH: So that's what you're into?

Max TDSH: You oughtta know!

Max TDSH: I'd bite your nose off, if it didn't hurt so much!

Max TDSH: Oh, go spite your face.

Max TDSH: Gentlemen, GENTLEMEN!

Max TDSH: Gentlemen? What, you gotta a mouse in your pocket?

At this point the debate came to an unexpectedly premature end when Max TDSH, wobbly with agitation and who-know-what chemical influences, fell off the podium, which brought the crowd of onlookers to their feet, cheering.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Robot Bartenders!

Robot bartenders are science fiction made science fact!

Just what *I* need in my home!

The future is here, and I'll drink to that!

See three different kinds: HERE, HERE, and HERE .

Robot Bartender 4
Photo Sky News

Who'll win this match?

Both Barack Obama and John McCain declined an invitation to debate me -- the cowards!

Sen. Obama's spokesman, who insisted on anonymity, said Obama "would rather debate an old fish with lipstick on it," then added, "How many hits do you get on your blog?" Then he hung up.

McCain's spokeswoman Jen Durbinder said "Sen. McCain was a prisoner of war, and loves this country deeply, and...what was the question?" Then she hung up.

So now I must do the politically outrageo-- I mean the politically COURAGEOUS thing and debate myself!

At least in a one man debate I won't have to worry about the use of smear tactics. (I'd like to see "schmeer" tactics, however-- a toasted bagel with cream cheese would taste good right now, and as a severed head I never have to worry about calories.)

So be looking for one-man debate soon. Unless Ralph Nader, Bob Barr, or Cynthia McKinney is desperate!

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

A "MUST ATTEND" event!

If you live in east Ohio, lower West Virginia, or western Pennsylvania, you MUST attend this event:

Cancel other plans-- this will BE A BLAST! (And no radiation afterwards, although I wouldn't be surprised to see mutants there....I will be there.)

Things that go bump in the night on the REALLY BIG SCREEN-- a rare and valuable opportunity. Be there-- I command you!

Relevant links can be found HERE and HERE.

Monday, September 8, 2008

A veritable Slogan-za!

Reader "Allen's Brain" sent in a comment for approval on my last post. I'm not approving it, because it deserves to be a post all its own!

From the gray matter:

A few campaign ideas, from a brain in a jar.

Vote Max: Because you can't fight a war when you're falling down drunk!

Max, TDSH for President: Gas prices will plummet when we're all too drunk too drive!

Worried about dependence on foreign oil? How about imported liquor? Max is your kind o'candidate!

Max knows that peace summits go much better after a few drinks with diplomats. Vote the Head!

Looking for a candidate who's using his head? Vote Max--it's all he's got!

DSH: A bottle in every cabinet!

Vote for Max! He's buying the drinks!

I love these! Especially the first and last one!

Saturday, September 6, 2008

You deserve the best-- but that person isn't running!

My fellow weirdos,

I am humbly announcing my candidacy for President of the United States.

Are you frustrated by the few choices we have in candidates to vote for?

Do you want someone who will go to members of Congress and get right in their faces?

Then I'm the write-in candidate for you!

The two main candidates are BOTH politicians in Washington. Let's start fresh-- as my grandfather always used to say, "Politicians and diapers need to be changed for the same reason."

If you want REAL change, then WHAT could be more different from the same-ol' same-o than electing a drunken severed head!!?

Not that I am a complete unknown. I was approached to be a candidate by the Pity Party (they tried to shame me into joining them), the Disinterested Third Party (because a third of the country is disinterested), the (Robert) Bloch Party, the Coming Out Party (never did figure out why lesbian debutantes would want me), and the Birthday Party (for nudists-- they always wear their birthday suits.) I seriously considered being the nominee for both the Cocktail Party and the Halloween Party.

But ultimately, I declined to be beholden to no one group, and not to commit to any platform other than the one my neck rests on.

I am a Party of One. And I say, "One nation, one bar tab, with liquor and just ice for all!"

My friends, I believe in socialized drinking! (The more socializing, the better-- never drink alone, I always say!) Join me, and let the good times roll!

I ask for your support. (Especially after my third drink in an evening-- I tend to tip over.)

What, you don't believe anyone could take my candidacy seriously? I don't blame you! But here's the proof that talk of a DSH campaign is getting serious attention:

The Drunken Severed Head runs for president!

So, I ask you to add to the Drunken Severed Head buzz that's beginning to sweep the country! (Nothing like having a good buzz on, friends.) Endorse me at your blog, your MySpace or Live Journal page, whatever! Use any picture of me found at this blog. I'll put you in my cabinet if you do-- right alongside Johnny Walker, Jim Beam, and Glen Livet!

If elected, I will work to eradicate the discrimination against drunken politicians! Signs like this one* belong on the scrap heap of history:

This November, when you belly up to the voting booth, name your poison. And let that name be "Max the Drunken Severed Head!"

* Picture from the Flickr account of williac.


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